Is this a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare?

I'm going to get personal with you guys here for a second. I have nightmares.

Well not really nightmare(s).

But one, terrifying, recurring nightmare that haunts my dreams on a weekly basis, and has for years now.

It goes a little something like this.

Somehow, someway, I have accidentally made it as a contestant on the popular Bravo show Top Chef. I have the same meager cooking skills I have in real life, I have no clue what I am doing and I am completely out of my league. Every new challenge gives me a near fatal panic attack because I have no.clue.what.is.going.on. The ratings sky rocket as clips of my fumbling around in the kitchen seem to amuse viewers. And somehow, I keep not getting eliminated. I am DYING to leave, I am always on the bottom, but I keep sticking around like a cockroach.

This season, I watched as my nightmare came to life in the form of Robin.

Robin was just hopeless, she was on the bottom of nearly every challenge and incited everything from quiet disdain to all out rage in her fellow competitors.

I mean look at her, she just LOOKS tragic!

Anyway, the madness came to an end last night as Robin was FINALLY sent home. I, personally, think she threw the challenge, but either way she is gone and the real life manifestation of my bad dreams is over.

Thank God.

Now only the Voltaggio brothers, Kevin, Jen, and Eli remain.

Wait, Eli?

What the hell is an Eli?

Have you been on the show the whole time, you sneaky monkey?

I never noticed you before.

Huh, well done.

Dear Top Chef,

Dear Top Chef,

Congratulations on picking your top four last night. You can pretty much go ahead and get rid of the rest of the asshats in the competition and stick with these winners.

Kevin: You are cuter than a baby pig, I would love to share some pinot with you and your hot ginge beard.

Michael: You are definitely the more badass Voltaggio brother.

Bryan: If I were stranded on a dessert island, you are definitely one of the 3 things I would take with me, I think you are very useful. You, a skillet, and Bella.

Not for eating, you sicko. For snuggles and entertainment.

Jennifer: You are a stone cold fox. I love you. Take it to the end.

Everyone else? Pack up your knives and go. Especially you, Michael. You over rated hack. Yeah I've been watching you, and I am not impressed.

Thanks Bravo, see you next Wednesday!

xo

B